It's like living in a fog while the sun is shining on others. It's being lost in a sea of sanity. My direction is clouded by security and comfort. For just about as long as I can remember, in my adult life, I have been faced with an emptiness. There is something within me that is missing. Something feels unsettled and unfinished. I would like to think that I know what that missing piece is, but I am lost in trying to figure out how to make it fit. I live a life of silent despair as I struggle with fulfilling my destiny. I have been told that I expect too much of myself. I don't see it that way. When there is something missing from our lives, we search to find that missing piece. Why should this be any different? Is it so abnormal for me to feel this way? This struggle isn't about family, money, career, or even self-confidence. It's about finding a place in my life where I can flourish and spread my wings doing something that gives me an intrinsic happiness. Is that too much to ask for? To do something that makes me happy? It's not that I don't enjoy my job, it's just that it doesn't bring me the kind of happiness that I am looking for. I am confident in who I am and what I am capable of. I know that I have something to offer this world and yet I have vehicle to make it happen. Every time that I have tried to open that door when the opportunity presented itself, it was quickly slammed in my face. Why can't others see my passion and heart? I am not looking to find the meaning of life but merely the meaning of my life. I don't want to leave this world leaving something undone that has troubled me for so long. I don't share this struggle to gain pity or sympathy, I share it as a therapy to write out my emotions and feelings. I have worked my ass of in retail to get where I am today and I am willing to do it again to gain a sense of fulfillment. I have shared this struggle with others but no one seems to get it. I guess that I shouldn't expect them to. This is my struggle not theirs. This is my life not theirs. This is my emptiness not theirs. This darkness inside keeps pulling me back, reminding me that it is still there. Reminding me that I have unfinished business to take care of but have no direction on how to shed some light on it. I know that I am a driven person, but why does my life have be like this? Maybe I should just surrender to the pain of being unfulfilled and just go on living a life a silent desperation. A life that I have a loving, supporting family, a good job, decent income, and go quietly into that goodnight when it comes. So many have gone before me and lived that life and didn't seem to mind. Why do I have to be different? It's not that I am ungrateful for all that I have. I know that I have a very blessed life. I am not, once again, to go from here. So for now, I will continue to live this life of quiet desperation. They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Where is my teacher. What more preparation can I do? What is still expected of me? I will continue to keep fighting for all that is right in my life and continue to improve me. I know that there is still a lot of fight left in me. I just need that person to direct me toward my next step. I don't want a hand out but a hand up. As I cry inside, I will continue on as if nothing was wrong. I will still be the husband that my wife needs, the father that my kids need, and the grandfather that my grandsons need. This is not an admission of giving up but an attempt to explain my struggle. I have lived this long being this empty, I can continue on. Am I meant to live a meaningless life? Life will go on and I will continue to live it with what I have been given. I will continue to make the best of what I have and life a life that I am happy with. Being in lack isn't an matter of unhappiness but a matter of understanding what isn't meant to be in this moment.
