An Uncertain Future

I can tell you, that since early April, things have been tough for me. Usually I can bounce back from a mental set back, but this one was different. I have felt like I have lost my way and lost my sense of direction. The only thing that I can think of that could have been a catalyst to all of this was my enormous failure during the inspirational speech contest that my Toastmasters club held. I was not prepared and repeatedly got lost in my presentation. I knew better than to let that happen. Maybe if I could have given my best and still gotten beat it wouldn't have been so devastating. I lost because I failed myself. I decided to quit writing my book, decided to postpone speaking(outside of Toastmasters), postpone life coaching, and go back to college. I went to talk to a therapist at the college that I am attending to talk to her about a career in therapy. When I was sharing with her my recent struggles, she told me that I went through some depression. My wife says that I need to not put so much pressure on myself. It is probably a combination of both. I have tried to relax more during this time away from things. At first, I was really hard on myself for walking away from some of these things in my life. I really beat myself up internally,. Not the best choice. Currently I am taking one college course per semester to work towards my Associates degree. I know that one class per semester will take forever to complete my degree but it is something that I have always felt a need to accomplish. Who knows, maybe I will continue on and accomplish a Bachelors degree some day. Even as I write this, I am not sure where exactly my life is going. I have no defined plans for the future. Family is still the most important thing to me and everything else takes a back seat. I still enjoy my job and there is a possibility of promotion within the next couple of years. As far as speaking and life coaching, I am pretty much putting it in the back burner still. I do have a speech to give to my Toastmasters club coming up in a couple of weeks and I will make sure that it is inspirational and uplifting. I still really enjoy inspiring and motivating others. Allowing others to see into my past and give them hope for a better tomorrow. I am still drawn to write my book some day, but for now, I will write when inspired to and not because I feel like I have to. I still have a wonderfully supportive wife that backs me on these decisions. I couldn't ask for a better soul mate.

I recently started reading again and investing in me. Why did I choose to walk away from the things that kept me going? Maybe because they were constant reminders of what I had failed at. I know better than to let this happen to me and yet I did it anyway. A couple of months ago, I deleted over 200 people off my facebook page, deleted my AIAO Life Coaching page, left facebook groups, I stopped posting daily motivational photos on my facebook wall, and deleted other social media platforms. I was even going to delete this blog but I didn't want to lose all the writings that I had already done, know that they are an intricate part of the book that I will write.

During this difficult time, I reached out to a few people to explain to them, what I was going through. Some responded and some didn't. What I have come to understand is that outside of myself, no one really understands what I am going through. Even though I believe in others, I feel like I have been abandoned in this journey. I feel like I am living a life that only matters to me. We all need a support system but apart from my wife, I feel like I am alone. I know that we all must walk our own journey in life but we all need a traveling companion from time to time. Someone to talk to and someone who will bring out the best in us when we have lost sight of it. I feel like my life is in quiet desperation mode. I have been here before but never for this long. This is uncharted territory for me and it's scary. I feel like I have lot control and I have no idea how to regain that control.

We all need a cheerleader from time to time and I have not had that. It is nice to hear that we are making a difference in this world and yet when I left all of that stuff behind, no one seemed to care. I was just another face in the crowd. I can't say that I needed the approval of others but the acknowledgement was a nice motivator for me. When I walked away, I though that maybe it would be noticed but I was able to leave without anyone noticing. I know that I have helped others and want to continue to do just that, but how I am not longer sure of. I thought that my voice on facebook would be missed, obviously not. No one bothered to inquire about my absence. Maybe I am supposed to live a life within a very small circle of people. Maybe I am not meant to move beyond a few select friends. I have always thought that I was meant for greater things, maybe I have been delusional. Maybe it was just my ego convincing me that I was more than I appeared.

Today is a new day and I have devoted a lot of it to find my center again. Finding meaning in my life once again. Meaning that I had lost back in April. I am still not sure where this journey will take me but I know this: People will fail me, let me down, and not miss me, but that doesn't mean that I have to fail them, let them down, or not notice their exit.